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[25 Jun 2011|12:28am] |
i haven't written in a while.
i haven't wanted to.
i haven't had the courage to write down what was happening in my life.
i haven't wanted to admit what was happening in my life.
i haven't wanted my life to go the way it has.
i'm not really sure what to think anymore.
i'm not really sure what to say anymore.
i'm not really sure what to do anymore.
i'm not really sure where to go anymore.
i feel... like i'm looking at a map.
and there are such obvious destinations highlighted, circled, in big red marker.
and the path to these destinations isn't that complicated.
there's a clear way to go.
it's clear where to go.
but the corners of the map distract me.
the paths that are impossible to navigate seem more attractive.
and the destinations, though obvious, practical, and necessary, are repelling me, like matching poles facing each other.
like that science experiment we did in second grade. put north next to north. feel how it pushes against it?
no matter how hard you try, no matter how close you get to them touching, they won't get from point a to point b.
but the map... it doesn't have any other directions.
either you take the clear cut paths, or you stay in place. stay where you are.
stay stuck.
no bushwhacking allowed.
either forward or stall.
i'm scared.
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| its been a while! |
[27 Jul 2010|02:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
hello friends.
haven't written since school ended. and quite a bit has happened.
condensed version:
uncle carl died
started dating shaun
thats about it.
i dont really feel like going through and explaining oh summers been ok i mean it had its depressing times and its happy times and let me give you a play by play of my emotions.
no.
ive completely denounced religion after uncle carl died. now when i scream to the sky im just talking to myself. woot.
im afraid that the school year will destroy the relationship that shaun and i have just put together.
i only felt horribly depressed once, and it was only for a couple days. so i'm getting better. i think....
im so happy, im miserable. its another one of those moments where im just waiting for something awful to happen.
maybe i'm not a relationship kind of person. i always thought that i was but after dating shaun for a month, i started thinking about school and rit and all that. i was miserable not being with anyone this is true. but i was also fine with all the flirting i got to do. im going to miss that. a lot. and who knows whos going to be there this year?
i dont want to move into grandmas house. heres why. i WANT to do the 20-something girl living in an apartment in the city thing. theres nothing i would like more lately than to move to nyc and get a tiny apartment and barely make enough money for rent and food. because thats what 20-somethings are supposed to do.
but thats not really in the cards for me i guess.
ive had a lot of feelings lately that i needed to just get out. thanks for listening internet.
peace and love,
d
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| i loved you first |
[09 May 2010|09:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8
the first note played and i cried.
i talked to max. not really sure if anything got accomplished.
but i told him i dont want to talk to him anymore.
maybe we'll get to talking after summer maybe not.
the future has a funny way of working things out.
peace and love,
D
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| still laughing |
[03 May 2010|04:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
kristen today said that i'm her (and i quote) "most stable friend I have"
i literally laughed out loud and she was like well you are!
i told her i'm not i just have better coping skills.
maybe i should let her read my journal
maybe i should have told her that i'm suffering from pretty severe depression.
maybe i should have shown her what i did
hahahahaha
oh man. too funny. tooooo funny.
me! mentally stable!
all the voices in my head laughed with me
:)
peace and love,
D
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| thomas seems happier |
[29 Apr 2010|10:33pm] |
I just want to be happy again.
Spend a whole day without crying.
Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to be happy again.
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| i am no hero oh thats for sure, but i do know one thing.... |
[21 Apr 2010|10:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 i'm ok. |
] |
so i accidently hit play while i was looking thru my friends album on iphoto and i had if you could only see as the song being played.
and im laughing so hard right now.
as soon as they said "you've got your manipulations" the picture of max and kristen came up. its the only one of him i have left. the pics are on shuffle. irony at its finest. thanks universe.
started to clean out gmas house, went thru the jewelry. took 2 necklaces and a ring which im never taking off. oh and i took 2 music boxes bc nobody wanted them and theyre hauntingly beautiful.
shaun asked me to hang out. thats fine, but it kind of sounded like a date. i love him but not like that. hes like a brother to me.... i wish hed be a brother in law but im not getting into that again. so idk what he's thinking but i mean yeah i'll hang out. go see a movie, get food, whatever. but i have to tell him up front that thats just weird.
ive got another one of those feelings that i had with........ who was it? i cant remember now... im pretty sure it was in high school... maybe josh? whatever. its one of those moments again. and i dont mind it. :)
i do fully intend to visit rhode island over summer. i was thinking abt visiting and of course my imagination got the better of me and i went on this whirlwind idea that i basically move there all summer and get a job there and live with jeff.... which could be fun. but i just dont think i know him well enough for that. yeah we're friends and i dont think ive ever become friends with someone as fast as i did with him. and i like him but thats a huge step. and what if i want to come home for whatever reason? so it won't happen. it was nice to think about though.
that thing from before... it looks horrible... its no longer cool its just fading and gross. oh well. i probably wont redo it once its gone. i was going to but i think i need to just let go.
just let go......
i wrote another letter.... to myself. and i decided i'm still friends with me too. so rachele and i have that in common. the main effect of the letter i wrote myself was much needed. maybe it wasnt from me, maybe my grandma and my aunt had something to do with it. this week was absolutely wretched. i felt like death. but i've re-realized something.
i'm fine.
and it will be ok.
it will be.
i promise.
peace and love,
d
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| of COURSE im doing homework |
[18 Apr 2010|09:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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indifferent |
] |
.....went commando today
lmao
thats all. killed a poor helpless unsuspecting sunday. whoops. oh well.
peace and love,
d
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| god my life is metaphorical |
[17 Apr 2010|09:53pm] |
it didnt hurt at the time, in fact it felt good and fun
but i knew that it was hurtful
and its stayed with me for a long time after the fact
and i cant ignore it
but it will eventually go away, as they all do.
none of that is what she said btw
oh! and i distributed the letters today. racheles had the effect i was hoping for. :) we're back to being besties again and the way she looked at me assures me that shes really not mad anymore. yay!
and max told her abt his. he'll get over it. no comments from sam yet. if ever. i doubt it. oh well. guess what we do?
we just keep swimming
keep looking up
and keep moving forward.
peace and love
d
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| i laughed quite a bit today so thats good |
[15 Apr 2010|02:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
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hopeful |
] |
the letters have been written, basic plans have been formulated, execution needs fine tuning (i just spelled that tooning. wow.)
4 were written, 4 will be given.
im nervous and scared.
......will it make it better or worse?
do i really want to say that to max? do i really want to cut off all ties to him?
i dont know. he was my friend after all, before i liked him we were friends.
im telling sam what i need to say to him, and jeff gets a hey basically.
im writing one for kristen too. she deserves a thank you. i owe her my life.
the thing from yesterday turned out quite nicely. looks like a 3 instead of an s tho... easily fixed, can always change where it is.... i just dont want to forget.
i'd hit a bunch of random letters to vent my frustration but chinatsus asleep...
so ill be going to bed now at 3am. goodness.
peace and love,
d
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| ramblings of the insane.... |
[14 Apr 2010|12:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
i havent talked to anyone (other than that one text from rachele) from rit since saturday. and you cant even count saturday really. so the last time i really talked to anyone from rit was.... monday.
its been over a week.
its been hard. im not even sure what to feel.... i though the gradual decrease of conversation would prepare me for this but i was wrong. an entire chapter of life seems to have ended and it sucks balls.
i did something im not too proud of... nothing bad. nothing to do with anyone but myself. no substances were put in my body. i just did something. i dont regret it but i do realize how stupid it is. it didnt even work that well. maybe tomorrow will actually bring results. thatd be cool. i never thought id be at this place but now that im here it doesnt seem so bad...... it does look pretty sweet.
ive missed solitary 4.0
val's my best friend.
peace and love (and stupid sweetness)
d
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| 11 da..... you know what never mind |
[11 Apr 2010|11:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
officially there are 11 days left. but its over. forever.
his number has been deleted from my phone. the last text he sent me has long been pushed out of my inbox. and the draft i had saved of what i want to say to him has been deleted.
so i cant text him if i wanted to. which i dont. what i had saved was this:
what the fuck is wrong with you? youre an asshole and i wish i had never met you. dont ever talk to me again.
and heres what i actually came on to say.
Dear Rachele.
I have some things I'd like to apologize for.
I'm sorry I talked about you behind your back.
I'm sorry I chose lower priority friends over you.
I'm sorry I ignored your phone calls.
I'm sorry I pretended not to hear you so I wouldn't have to talk to you.
I'm sorry I didn't invite you when I went out with mutual friends.
I'm sorry I ever tried to be better than you.
I'm sorry I tried to make you jealous when I got a better grade than you.
I'm sorry I pointed out your flaws.
I'm sorry I didn't stand up for you.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you when people you thought were your friends made fun of you.
I'm sorry I left you to hang out with other people.
I'm sorry I made you spend all that money on me.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to your ideas.
I'm sorry I didn't join your group in class.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I put you in bad places.
I'm sorry I made you choose.
I'm sorry I was a hypocrite.
I'm sorry all of my petty insecurities made me a bad friend and a bad person. I've never really apologized for anything I did dating back to fifth grade. And I'm sorry. You have to know that I mean it.
so thats that. a nice quick overview of this week-
lunch with max
fight with rachele
no longer friends with max, rachele (subsequently no longer friends with: sam, jeff, alex, katie, syd)
worked
got sick
went shopping with mom
went over bills for living in gmas house
worked
worked
bandits game
died on the inside a little bit every day.
got lost in my eyes my ass. FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAG I DONT NEED YOU YOU LYING SELF CENTERED IMMATURE COWARDLY BACKSTABBING PUSSY ASSHOLE BITCH.
Peace and Love,
D
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| 24 days... |
[30 Mar 2010|04:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
I'm through with love
I'll never fall again
Said adieu to love
Don't ever call again
For I must love you or no one
And so I'm through with love
I've locked my heart
I'll keep my feelings there
I've stocked my heart
with icy, frigid air
And I mean to care for no one
Because I'm through with love
Why did you lead me
To think you could care?
You didn't need me
you had your share
of slaves around you
To hound you and swear
with deep emotion and devotion to you
Goodbye to spring and all it meant to me
It can never bring the thing that used to be
For I must have you or no one
And so I'm through with love
I'm through with love
Baby I'm through with love
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| 3rd today lol |
[29 Mar 2010|04:09am] |
i have to tell him.
i just got full of hope.
i have to tell him.
i can feel it this time
i have to tell him.
i think i can.
i have to tell him.
i can fix it.
i have to tell him.
i feel happy.
i have to tell him.
this is my last shot.
i will tell him.
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| perhaps... |
[29 Mar 2010|01:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
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thoughtful |
] |
i want to change things for animals, right?
and yeah i would love to have a breakthrough in language
but what if i went into welfare?
work for a huge meat production company
design more humane and cost efficient ways to raise animals for food.
it would break my heart to see animals mistreated and to work with animals that i know will be killed, but id be helping to make the immediate world a better place.
i complain about how nobody knows whats wrong with the animal world, why not help fix it?
some thoughts during studying.
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| 26 days... |
[28 Mar 2010|06:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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hopeful |
] |
YAY!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDrxPs1CKIY
so happy i could scream. now i have something to obsess over until they post the concert itself.
i dreamed about him. kristen said that folklore says that dreaming about someone means they miss you...
all the cousins were living in this huge house that ben and ale owned and lauren was dating kennan again so they were there and sara and ryan (alyssas db) was overly nice to me and creepy.
he just happened to be there so we got to hang out. and he said some stuff that i wish he'd say in real life. and then i had to get the garbage from the whole house. all 4 floors. and i had to use the purple slippery staircase.
i need to stop eating mcdonalds before i take naps.
i got to hold a baby goat today!!! theyre so soft! and! i caught a chicken with my bare hands. it was sweet. theyre really light! im surprised that they have any meat on them at all. oh and i saw a turkey wandering the train tracks on the way home too. a day full of animals. :) exactly what i needed.
Peace and Love,
D
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[26 Mar 2010|11:12pm] |
Dear God.
I will give up my last prayer for thomas to have a good life.
consider it cancelled just give him some peace.
this is the last prayer. ever. take it or leave it.
dakotah
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| 29 days... |
[25 Mar 2010|07:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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pensive |
] |
FIVE pages. holy shit.
and i left stuff out too.
kind of awesome and ridiculous at the same time.
six months ago today i met max. unbelievable.
today was better. i was kept busy so i didn't really think about him AHAHAHAHA. i almost believed that for a while but nah it was good overall. kicked ass at work for a few reasons:
show up the girls working there
keep myself occupied
get more respect from cindy
its less that cindy has to do. and man does she have a lot to do.
ive been thinking about a lot of things, and i've discovered one pretty significant thing.
i think and i think and i think and i end up exactly where i start.
moral of the story: i need to turn off my brain.
marine land saturday, racheles party saturday, dairy farm on sunday, animal behavior exam on monday, stats exam on monday, last day of classes on wednesday. and screw dad i am spending thursday sleeping. alllll day. its going to be great.
maybe i can convince max to let me visit or have a movie night or something that weekend... it is easter tho so idk who will actually be there.... maybe the weekend after that... idk we'll see.
theme of my life basically: idk we'll see.
Peace and love,
D
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[21 Mar 2010|04:17pm] |
my life is gone to shit.
ive lost my old friends
my new friends are retarded and aggravating to no end
my family yells at me
ive never just left my parents house like that. and how dare my mother complain about me asking for six dollars when shes given my sister six hundred in the past 3 months
jeff and aliscia are mad at me because im mad at them for allowing casey and cam to abuse a cat. if they cant take care of it THEY SHOULDNT HAVE IT!
you think they would listen to the person whos going to school for that! i dont understand. i just DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
ive lost max. hes gone. its destroying me to even entertain the thought we could be together because hes with ellie and hes not going to leave her for me.
ive been crying since i left my parents house at like one.
i dont even call that place home anymore.
that house isnt home. my dorm isnt home.
i dont know where home is anymore and that makes me almost more upset than anything else. i want to feel welcome somewhere again.
i want to feel safe somewhere again.
its too much too fast. and im supposed to go to the debate meeting like this? i dont even want to go get food. im not hungry no matter how much my stomach protests. i dont want to go to classes.
i dont want to go to providence i dont want to go to rochester i dont want to go to cheektowaga i dont want to go to williamsville i dont want to go to buffalo. i dont know where im supposed to go.
im so scared. i just want to be happy again.
apparently 'god' doesnt want that for me.
whatever
d
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[21 Mar 2010|01:48pm] |
operation facebook blah blah has been suspended indefinitely on the terms that i dont need my heart broken by max again. a thousand times is enough.
noac was awesome the afterparty was great.
you know what i cant do this right now
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| blast from the past |
[14 Mar 2010|09:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
inspired |
] |
That boring August night is one of the best things that ever happened to me. If it were not for that show, I would be completely lost in what I want to do with my life. Animal behavior seems like such an obvious answer now, and I hope to dedicate my life to the advancement of language research. If we can understand the languages of the world that surrounds us, not only as humans but also as animals, we can understand how the world works. The more we know about how the world works, the more we can do to make it a better place for everyone and everything living in it.
i found my college essay for franklin and marshall. i knew so little and cared so much. and now that i know so much sometimes i seem to care so little. i wanted to copy this here so that i never forget how excited i was to start learning, and how focused i was on what i want to do. i still want to research language, more than anything. sometimes its hard to see that the end justifies the means sometimes. i just cant give up.
stay strong love.
peace and love,
d
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